I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
