i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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