just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
