The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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