What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
