Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
