My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
