this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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