Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
