Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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