dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
