Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
