i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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