I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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