Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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