i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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