wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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