I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
