remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
