Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I need to sanitize my soul.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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