i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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