There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
