Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
