Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
