im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
