Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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