I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
