You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
