I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
