I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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