saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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