DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
