i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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