god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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