i was born a porn star she said
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
