Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
