ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I didn't notice because vodka
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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