i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
