I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
