He disabled his match.com account in front of me
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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