i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
