Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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