You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
