Tell her she can't have a vagina
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
