why didn't you poke me back
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
