I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
