we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
