dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
