Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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