she looked like the bat from fern gully.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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