remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
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There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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