I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
