I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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