We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
