If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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