Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
