Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
